At some point in my life, I've probably offended you and I've insulted everyone. I'm proud of that. If I didn't, it'd mean I'm not being me. Let me break it down for you, I think differently. I think religion is bad and drugs are good. I think America is cancer. I think longevity is overrated and fun is underrated. I think young people should believe in something real. I think abstinence is unnatural. I think the lies we're told today are worse than the lies that got Clinton booted. I think there is nothing glamorous about teen pregnancy. I don't think 9/11 was a conspiracy and it changed nothing. I think pornography is healthy and stops rape. Slut-shaming is wrong. Oh, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic. Sometimes, the tree of liberty needs to be replenished with the blood of rebels and true patriots.
“If conservative get to call universal healthcare ‘socialized medicine,’ I get to call private, for-profit healthcare ‘soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.’”—Bill Maher (via unpackmyheart)
“Someone needs to explain to the Republicans that Ebenezer Scrooge is supposed to be the bad guy, and before conservatives start whining about another war on Christmas, they must admit they hate everything about Christmas, because brotherhood, goodwill toward men, and especially charity make their…
“New Rule: If you give a nine-year-old a hunting rifle, expect to have a hole in your head next to the one you already have. That’s right, fathers are signing up their kids to win free hunting trips. Great time to find out she’s pissed about not getting that doll. I’m sorry, but the first time your daughter should see a shotgun is at her wedding when she’s fourteen.”—Bill Maher
“I used to stay at the Trump. And I liked it! The people there were great … I have to give it to him - I like his hotel. But I can’t stay there anymore. I can’t stay there anymore because I can’t stay in a hotel… that’s run by a guy… who thinks the President was raised in Kenya.”—Bill Maher on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon (via red-verse)
“And that is the great Republican fallacy of this election, that our economic problems are due not to Wall Street’s gambling, but because too many Americans are lazy. But there are 16 million unemployed, and we only created 80,000 jobs last month. The problem isn’t laziness. It’s math. But this is where the Republican Party is now, in favor of people dying because they don’t have health insurance. In favor letting people go unfed if they won’t work, and if they want to work, but are Mexicans, in favor of putting up a fence that electrocutes them.”—Bill Maher (via tryingtobuildabalance)
New Rule: Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, and even though he’s been dead for forty years, he’s still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America! In fact, Jimi’s new CD debuted at number four on the charts. Which tells me (a) his music is as relevant as ever … and (b) that baby boomers still haven’t figured out how to steal music off the Internet.
“New Rule: America has every right to bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the”—Bill Maher
“Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it, it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass and it translates to “Beef with Broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant.”—Bill Maher
“New Rule: If there really is such a thing as ghosts, they have to be naked. I’ll give you that a ghost is a dead soul, returned to torment the living. That makes perfect sense. But how’d he get to keep his pants? Did they die, too? Were his pants also bad in life, and condemned for their pant sins to never find eternal peace? I simply can’t accept that any pants could commit a sin so grave that God could not forgive. Except acid-wash jeans.”—Bill Maher
“-If Santa Claus can hit every house in the world in one night…
-No, I don’t believe in Santa Claus.
-Of course not. That’s ridiculous. That’s one man flying all around the world and dropping presents down a chimney. That’s ridiculous. One man hearing everybody murmur to him at the same time… that I get.”—Bill Maher (via nervoustosayso)
“You know, scientologists…And right, you’re like, “Oh, yeah, that’s some crazy shit. Okay.” Jesus with the virgin birth and the dove and the snake who talked in the garden, that’s cool. But the Scientologists, they’re the crazy ones.”—Bill Maher (via nervoustosayso)
“If you believe that the world is going to come to an end - and perhaps any day now - does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?”—Bill Maher, Religulous (via thereisnogoddealwithit)
“But it won’t be funny when the [housing] bubble bursts and people start going bankrupt, taking banks down with them, and then the markets and then the dollar.”—Bill Maher, 2005 - NPR (via brooklynmutt)